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(*Don't Miss THE NO-FAIL GIFT GUIDE Below!!!)
Valentine's Day gets such a bad rap from the media, pissed-off women (both coupled and single - for different AND similar reasons) and dudes because of the hyped-up expectation the media (ironic, no?) applies to it. And we buy into it.
Women want Hollywood-style romance on Valentine's Day. We want a surprise twist, a mystery wrapped in an enigma shrouded in a tiny blue box with the words "Tiffany & Co." on it. We DO NOT want a stupid Pajamagram (have you heard this commercial - definitely the brainchild of a guy). QUICK TIP ON PJs: If it's not silky and luxurious and from Victoria's Secret or Agent Provocateur or some other designer lingerie shop (no - Target DOES NOT QUALIFY), then we'll just buy our own damn pajamas.
But here's the problem - only 3% of men are going to pull of that wow moment. And 2% of those guys are probably (closeted) gay dudes (who really do love Valentine's Day - and don't break out into nervous sweats just thinking about it) - they have preternatural instincts for fabulosity. So if you're one of those ladies whose name was etched in the sky with smoke from a jumbo jet then you're either super lucky or a beard - or both, depending on your point of view. Most men aren't that creative in the what-women-find-romantic department. It's not a dig, it's just a fact.
Think about it, if women were in the driver's seat for Valentine's Day there would be Christmas-style festivities: big lavish dinners, plastic light-up hearts on the front lawn, electronic cupids that move and sing "That's Amore" when you press a button, greeting cards that have a family picture in the middle of a heart etched on the front. We fully embrace holidays - we turn them into beautiful spectacles that require an entire garage worth of stuff to create. This is just part of our DNA.
That said, there's absolutely nothing wrong with doling out hints, taping cut-out catalog pages of diamond earrings to his steering wheel; dreaming (out loud) of eating at that hip, super expensive new restaurant everyone is going to or talking about the flowers, preferrably delivered at work so everyone else can gawk.
So, since we've established that Valentine's Day is really about the eternal battle of the sexes (the Long War of Mis-Communication) let's just hope for the best and celebrate together - as women - all the great looks and things we may or may not get (or get to wear) on February 14.
But, in case your dude has the best intentions - just really lame ideas (I know that it's the thought that counts and all that - but after 3 years of street-corner roses, you might be hankering for something inspired) - here's a gift guide that may help him choose based on the type of chickie you are.
> FUCK. I'M A TRUCKER CHICK.
Drinking Beer. Playing Pool. Partying. Whether you're a mom or a Mormon, somehow these three things fit prominently into your life.
Secret talent: Jumping balls on the pool table. And everyone loves a pretty lady undercover pool shark.
Romantic Movie: "Urban Cowboy"
Singular Sweet: Holy Awesomeness, Batman! Chocolate Beef Jerky has arrived. I haven't tried this totally wrong, but also somehow very right combination of chocolate and er, jerky? But I really think you should - and then let me know how you liked it. Mocha Java Beef Jerky, $5.95/2-oz bag. www.diva-chocolates.com
Her Bloom: You don't need to find the rarest rose to impress your no-nonsense gal, a dozen beautiful red roses will melt her like butta. Dozen Red Roses, $69.99, www.FTD.com
V-Day Proof Gift:These boots are made for stompin'. Or line dancin'. Or drinkin'. Or any activity that loses the "g" in the adverb. But serious, these are categorically badass. Made by Nicole Blah, $109.95, get these for your lady at www.DSW.com - or just find a store. They're everywhere.
> CARTOON FANTASY
Whatever, Bitches. I heart Buffy, rock the Docs, go to Anime conventions and will beat your ass for a chance to meet J.K. Rowling. Whatcha gonna do?
Secret talent: You know how to play Dungeons & Dragons. And there's nothing sassier than a cute girl who can hang with the geek squad and still be cool.
Romantic Movie: "Edward Scissorhands"
Singular Sweet: Kabaya Maccha Shokora (Green Tea Chocolates) are very, very tasty little suckers. Made in Japan, you can score a two-ounce bag of these babies for less than $2. Get 'em at www.asianfoodgrocer.com
Her Bloom:Sculptural and interactive, this Gardenia Bonsai Plant is a seriously cool Valentine's Day flora choice. Plus, it will fill a room with an amazing aroma...hmmmmm... Gardenia Bonsai, $44.99, www.1800Flowers.com
V-Day Proof Gift: This is one of the coolest toys I've seen from collectible toy giant Kidrobot. Designed by Hawaiian artist East3, "Mugzy" the spray-paint can toting hoodie is only $50, www.baseworld.com
> A ROSE IS A ROSE
You don't care about labels, you just like what you like. You're quirky and independent and will freely mix new trends with shit you've worn for 10 years - whether or not it's had a chance to be recycled back into current trends.
Secret Talent: You befriend people from all over the world - whether it's Estonia or Jupiter, you speak some kind of mystical, global "buddy" language.
Romantic Movie: "Harold and Maude"
Singular Sweet: Like your paramour, these confections - made by famed German chocolatier Chez Hachez - are eclectic little jewels that each have their own individual (and unforgettable) flavor: lime-coriander, pineapple-ginger, strawberry-pepper and mango-chili. YUM. Get her this assortment for $14.95 at www.avantisavoia.com
Her Bloom: Give her 20/20 vision with this bold bouquet of 20 fiery red tulips and 20 majestic blue irises, Deluxe Hugs and Kisses, $59.98, ProFlowers.com
V-Day Proof Gift: Kai Skylight Candle, $44 - Clean, sultry, exotic and beach-y, this slow-burning candle will definitely fill a room with visions of La Isla Bonita, sans Madonna rolling around on a beach.
> PAMPERED PET
What's the point of spending money on stuff, if you're not gonna buy the best? You can call a fake Gucci from a mall away and you have no sympathy for people who take less than immaculate care of themselves - home mani/pedis don't really count. You consider " big news" anything that's featured in People, Cosmo or Entertainment Weekly.
Secret Talent: You are an expert shopper and know how to navigate the sales, salespeople and mall parking lots. You're definitely the envy of all holiday shoppers.
Romantic Movie: "Overboard"
Singular Sweet: Recchiuti Confections Hand-Rolled Bittersweet Truffles, $69, www.williams-sonoma.com
Her Bloom: Kaliedoscope Orchids are definitely a look-at-me arrangement - the girls at the office will likely turn a little green. ProFlowers.com, $99
V-Day Proof Gift: From Santa Maria Novella, "Mimosa Acqua di Colonia" has the flowery scent of sweet acacia and mimosa - which are both fragrant and rich without being overpowering. Plus, it's not as ubiquitous as Chanel No. 5 - which she'll totally dig. $110, 3.3FL OZ, www.lafcony.com
> THE SCENE GIRL
You stop liking a band once your one friend who shops at Wet Seal starts liking them. Concert tickets at shitty but full-of-character venues are part of your monthly allowance. You follow McSweeneys.net or The Onion and consider David Sedaris required reading. You would like to be a librarian.
Secret Talent: You can make $17 at a thrift store go a loooong way. Think Anthropologie, if their stuff was realistically priced.
Romantic Movie: "Rushmore"
Singular Sweet: Tofutti "Marry Me" bars are an amazing treat that Vegans have known all about for a while. This dairy-free taste of guilt-free heaven (say "Moooo" with me, ya'll) is actually incredibly scrumptious. Get a box for your open-minded sweetie and watch her swoon for your interesting interpretation of Valentine's Day chocolate. www.wholefoodsmarket.com
Her Bloom:Unexpected and precious little buds all lined up in a row, tucked inside a wooden box! She's gonna be stoked! Red Baby Blooms, $89, www.1800Flowers.com
V-Day Proof Gift: This a long, fascinating, slightly tipsy conversation in the middle of the night disguised as a 256-page book about music posters. In a word: JACKPOT. "New Masters of Poster Design" By John Foster, $36.50, www.gigposters.com
> MALL-AMERICAN GIRL
You're straight up and simple. Classically polished. The Gap. Banana Republic. Beyonce. iPOD. You're happy with the normal brands that are accessible anywhere - from the local strip mall to your neighborhood Target - you really don't care for the eccentric, overly expensive or undiscovered.
Secret Talent: You can whip up a super fun backyard barbecue faster than I can say porky beans.
Romantic Movie: "The Notebook"
Singular Sweet: There's nothing more comfy, warm-and-gooey feeling than a moist, succulent brownie. And Vermont Brownie Company is simply the master of brownie baking. Imagine a warm fire, Sinatra, champagne and brownies. If you actually pull this off - please let me know, because I am available on Valentine's - to fly anywhere. Anytime, really. It doesn't actually even have to be on February 14. $21/half dozen, www.vermontbrowniecompany.com - and it comes in a really cute box.
Her Bloom: Roses, tulips, orchids and hydrangeas - this is a whole lotta flower! But your sweetie will appreciate you giving her the whole garden in a vase! Floral Fantasia, $159.95, Teleflora.com
V-Day Proof Gift: When words escape you, say it with a very chic Kate Spade canvas tote bag. Made just for Valentine's Day, this all-purpose tote will get her heart a' pitter-pattering. $195, www.katespade.com
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